This review contains profanity, terror, sacrilege and minor spoilers. If that bothers you, go watch some kitten videos.
1) Why the fuck would you keep a grinning, toddler-sized doll that looks like a psychotic ventriloquist dummy crossed with a rabid blond lemur? The place for that is the incinerator. Now.
2) The definition of a demon is “something that never walked the earth in human form”? That’s a little broad. Here we are trying to save elephants from extinction and technically, they’re demons.
3) I’m sure that cellar wasn’t boarded up for a reason.
4) Holy shit, the dog dies on the first night? This movie means business.
5) Self-professed demonologist Ed Warren, played by Patrick Wilson, says in the film that keeping a museum of haunted objects in your house is “like keeping guns off the street.” Now the Florida and Texas legislatures are going to start issuing licenses to carry demon-possessed toys.
6) See? There’s a damn good reason we don’t sleep with our feet outside the blankets.
7) Oh for God’s sake don’t look under the bed. Don’t look under the – I’m not looking I’m not looking I’m not looking I’m not looking
8) Why in the name of all that’s holy do you have to be up folding laundry by yourself at 3am in a house so indisputably haunted the demons impersonate your children in the wardrobe?
9) Yeah, follow that strange sound right to the cellar door which is fucking opening all by itself
10) “Rancid smells could indicate some kind demonic possession.” Does that qualify as an excuse to stop scrubbing out the inside of the garbage can?
11) Why are all malevolent paranormal entities Catholic? Somehow no-one ever suggests putting up a few Buddha statues to provoke the ghosts.
12) I wonder if anyone has ever made a business of paranormal inspections for prospective home-buyers. I am pitching this shit to HGTV right now.
13) Ed Warren again: “Sometimes when you get haunted it’s like stepping in gum.” What?
14) OK Lili Taylor, go take a nap. You’re exhausted by the constant sinister phenomena. I’m sure nothing will bother you while you sleep. All alone in the shadows.
15) Hey, one of the daughters in the movie is that girl who played Renesmee in the last Twilight film. This movie is still less scary than what Twilight wrought upon the American teen psyche.
16) Sure, send your fragile, ghost-magnet wife to investigate a dusty, rickety crawl-space behind the creepy wardrobe. Narnia, it ain’t.
17) No, please, anything but the antique clown jack-in-the box. In the basement, for fuck’s sake. If a child claims to see somebody in its swirling mirror when the music stops, you bolt that sucker shut. Forever.
18) The local priest is reluctant to help because the oppressed family members are not church goers. Why am I not surprised?
19) “The Conjuring” could be two different drinking games: every time a door opens on its own or every time a door locks while everyone pounds desperately on it.
20) I’m going to have to expunge this with a whole lot of Family Guy. Or a Lifetime biopic. So “The Conjuring” gets an A+.
Did you enjoy reading this? Visit the homepage to subscribe, and stick around.