My own wedding reception, in July of 2007.
I’ve got an idea.
High school and college freshmen should all get a party. The night before their first classes, they should celebrate with a big cake, gifts and gift-cards, toasts and a dance party for all their friends. Their intention to finish their diploma or degree merits a big bash.
And why should anyone have to wait until they’re 65 to enjoy the professional accolades of all their friends and colleagues over a catered dinner and plenty of cocktails? If they intend to give a career their best shot, we should encourage them with a lavish celebration before their first day on the job.
If all that actually sounds foolish to you, then why don’t extravagant weddings seem equally unwise?
I don’t want to minimize the boundless suffering of badly-clad bridesmaids, slighted mothers-in-law, and the aftermath of champagne-induced sexual debaucheries. But a recent New York Times article examines one of the true plagues engendered by our cultural wedding fetish. It’s called “Married to the Plan. Still Looking for a Possible Groom.” It’s about young American women who have their weddings planned all the way down the napkins – even though they don’t even have a boyfriend.
In a stroke of truly incisive and creative reporting, this NYT piece reveals that there are drawbacks to planning your wedding as if the groom is a last-minute prop stitched into a tux.
“First, what some single women imagine may not be feasible and may actually be a waste of effort,” writer Alyson Krueger explains. She turns to the owner of a wedding trade show company, who says that brides, for example, might dream of guests sipping pumpkin soup. But then, if they get married in, say, Miami, in, say, February, the chef might announce, “I know you love pumpkin soup, but it’s not in season right now.”
Horrors.
“Another problem [as bad as the soup debacle, d’you think?] is the not-quite-bride is not taking into account a future partner and what his needs and considerations might be.”
The trade-show maven goes on.
“‘Even though you have all these ideas and you’ve done your homework and you are prepared as a single girl,’ she said, ‘you have to understand that marriage is a union and you have to take your other half into consideration.’”
But the single girls obsessed with their as-yet-unscheduled weddings weren’t worried.
As one woman explained, “if she met someone she wanted to marry, she doesn’t think his input would matter.”
Krueger does her homework and quotes a clinical psychologist:
“‘I think for anybody it’s much easier to plan a wedding than it is to form a meaningful relationship that is going to lead to a fulfilling marriage.’”
Stop the world, I want to get off.
Not only are women spending untold hours of their lives planning weddings to non-existent grooms. The New York Times finds it necessary to inform us that this one-sided, superficial obsession does not prepare anyone for a real partnership.
I’d like to shake the hand of whoever came up with that angle. I mean, really, thank God for clear-eyed psychologists.
Image from Postsecret.
It seems to me that lavish weddings are an irresistible incentive for people who have no business embarking on a lifelong emotional, sexual, reproductive, practical and financial partnership.
Imagine a world of marriages, but no weddings.
We would have been spared the whole Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries fiasco: without the promise of a televised fairy-tale netting millions, these two probably would have forgotten the meaning of the word “marriage” altogether.
Picture it: no Katy Perry/Russell Brand shambles. The world was a grayer place when we all learned that two elephants on a red carpet at a luxe Indian resort does not a marriage make. No acres of tabloids speculating on the wedding of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, when they already have forty-two children together. No millions of pounds for security measures for the wedding of William and Kate when the rest of Europe is rioting over austerity measures.
True, if we abandoned big weddings, it’s not only the wedding industry that would suffer – advice columnists would see a 75% drop in their mail volume, as all those questions about bridesmaids who dare to get pregnant, guests who demand vegan dinners, and deplorably late thank-you cards would cease to exist.
But if, as the American Psychological Association says, 40-50% of all married couples in the US end up divorced, shouldn’t we consider de-incentivizing marriage itself?
My home church produces a pamphlet about the importance of marriage, and it irks me, because the picture on the cover is of a beautiful young couple in a wedding gown and a tux scampering away together on an idyllic beach.
To avoid giving the wrong impression to those who are selfish enough to believe that their future spouse should have no say in what his own wedding is like, I vote for a different wedding pamphlet image.
I could volunteer the image of my husband and me on the morning we had to get up together before dawn so that we could both go to the insurance-mandated mechanic to hand over our totaled car and sign for a supremely ugly rental before we had to be at work. Or the time my husband got raging tonsillitis while we were on our only vacation of the year. Or the time we bought a couch and then realized it wouldn’t fit in the narrow, angled stairwell to our second-floor apartment.
Sorry, you dewy-eyed lovers, but once the last dance is over, the last congealed canapé is scraped into the caterer’s trash bags, and that new Waterford crystal pitcher is stashed in the closet, that’s marriage.
Did I say I regret it? Of course not. I love my husband and we’ve had many good times. But as the years go by, from coping with grief together to disputes over household chores, marriage can be a mammoth challenge.
And I worry that legions of young people are getting duped into it because of lifelong bridal-gown fantasies.
from Postsecret.
I don’t want to you think that my own wedding wasn’t lovely. I argued with my mom about the live goldfish centerpieces, the outdoor July ceremony was wiltingly hot, and I didn’t have time to eat anything during the reception, but it was a wonderful day.
However, it seems that the only thing to match our culture’s divorce rate is our obsession with weddings. At what other time do we lavishly reward people for beginning what is meant to be a difficult lifelong endeavor? (Baby showers, maybe, but giving birth is an even bigger commitment than getting married – you can’t divorce your child and pick a new one.)
The problem with weddings is that they affirm the easiest part of your union (no, that consuming drama over what kind of shrimp you’ll serve or whose estranged aunt should be excluded from the list does not mark the most stressful time of your relationship). You’re young (for the most part – I do realize a greater number of folks are getting married later in life) and you may still be in the giddy infatuation phase of your relationship, when you just can’t get enough of each other. And this – when it all looks so simple and rosy – is when we launch websites to showcase our romance (and disseminate material wish-lists), and spend ourselves into oblivion so all our friends can bear witness to the fantasy.
Maybe we should clear away the sequined gowns, the cummerbunds, the towering cakes with their tasteless marzipan mortar, the lavish gift registries, and the rented parquet, and let marriage stand for what it truly is.
I know many folks from my own family’s church and maybe yours would protest that the beginning of a marriage should be marked with public celebrations, to uphold the value of marriage and help others aspire to it.
But it seems to me that the US at least is already rife with incentives to marry. In fact, countless government benefits bestowed on married couples are a major reason that American gays are still truly second-class citizens in a majority of states.
From taxes, immigration and insurance to inheritance and adoption proceedings, government, social and business policies often favor married couples and their children.
Do we really need fancy weddings, too?
I’m in my late twenties, so of course our fridge is dotted with save-the-date magnets, and I’m happy for my friends. But I’d love to go to a big party for a couple who married modestly and then successfully weathered ten, fifteen, or twenty-five years together. I’d like to toast their love, and, instead of listening to speeches about how much they will mean to each other all their lives (fingers crossed), applaud what the couple has actually achieved and the example they’ve set.
But the reality of marriage is not nearly as sexy and romantic as what we imagine over a new diamond ring. So I fear we’ll continue to wallow in weddings, and hope the rest works out.
Have you been to a wedding (or watched a marriage) that convinced you, one way or the other?
Tags: Alyson Krueger, Brangelina, divorce rates, Gay Rights, humor, marriage, New York Times, satire, wedding planning, weddings
February 1, 2013 at 5:35 pm |
I love this post. I remember my mom once asking me what I pictured for a wedding (and in all fairness I was 28 with few prospects so I had time to think). She was excited because weddings were no longer boring and traditional. People could do anything. I told her I could never picture the wedding without picturing the groom first. She laughed and said he didn’t matter, we’d photoshop him in later. Sometimes I wonder why we don’t bother.
In the end, when my husband and I got engaged, in lieu of the 20 person intimate gathering we’d always pictured, we decided to have a 120 person event for one very important reason. The last time each side of our family, and all our close friends had the occasion to get together was for a funeral. We wanted to provide them with a happy reason to unite. We kept it within our budget, nothing extravagant. (One attendant each, men wore suits they had). But I’m so happy we did. Everyone had a good time, as did we.
Though marriage isn’t easy, it was a good lesson in learning to compromise and let go of control. For that reason alone, couples should plan some event to celebrate.
February 1, 2013 at 5:40 pm |
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. It’s true that extended families rarely gather together anymore except for weddings and funerals. I have been to enough funerals in the past few years to know that a wedding is a blessed respite.
Sounds like your wedding was lovely. And you’re right – planning a wedding together can be a useful test for new partners.
February 1, 2013 at 6:38 pm |
*Sigh* My mother and I were legit just having this conversation a few nights ago (the importance of having an actual wedding). Personally, when [If] I get married, I’ve made it clear I want to elope! I’ve always felt the money spent on a large, extravagant wedding can go into purchasing a home, car etc. However, the argument stands, that my grandmother would have a heart attack if she didn’t get to see me walking down the aisle, and my father would be crushed not being able to walk me! Not to mention it would be horribly rude to deny my future-husband’s family (you know, the one that doesn’t exist yet) the opportunity to bond with my family! Oh, the theatrics!
February 1, 2013 at 11:18 pm |
Amazing the family problems we can imagine as soon as we put our minds to it. I hope, when the time comes, you can please everybody at least a little bit.
February 1, 2013 at 7:29 pm |
I like weddings AND anniversaries! And when you think about it, high school and college graduations are also celebrations of a beginning — the “commencement” of a new era in life.
But I agree that planning a wedding without the groom seems a bit wrongheaded. (Why do people assume grooms have no creative contributions to make? It’s a bit insulting to men.) So perhaps people could channel their party-planning energy into birthdays? Birthday blow-outs need a revival!
February 1, 2013 at 11:17 pm |
I don’t know that I’d advocate birthday blow-outs. The digital age has already stretched self-centered peoples’ birthdays from a single day into an entire weekend or even week of events. I don’t think adults need any more encouragement to celebrate their birthdays.
True that graduations are about new phases in life – but they’re predicated on the major achievement of a diploma. Thanks as always for weighing in!
February 1, 2013 at 8:58 pm |
I had a big wedding, you had a big wedding – doesn’t mean everybody needs a BIG wedding, BUT I still believe that weddings, which are really just the beginning of a marriage, are extremely important. I love thinking back about our wedding day and the first years of being together. Those times give you memories and building blocks to move through the more challenging times that certainly come in all relationships.
Besides little girls should always be able to dream to about their weddings….
February 1, 2013 at 11:13 pm |
Of course the dream should be allowed…but I hope that it’s not the only dream little girls are dreaming. Honestly, when I was young, I never spent much time thinking about my future wedding. I thought about art and writing a lot though. Then when I was planning my wedding, I was actually a lot more stressed about immigration paperwork than I was about party details. Fortunately you’re a party maven. All brides should be so lucky.
My own wedding day is good memories of course, but I also remember the night and days afterward, and feeling sort of like a weight was lifted and that real life could start.
February 1, 2013 at 9:21 pm |
You know how I feel about this post, but let me reiterate.
I constantly rip on girls who have Pinterest wedding boards while they’re either just dating someone or they don’t even have a boyfriend. It seems like a huge waste of time and it also makes them seem incredibly crazy. If girls are going to do that, they should at least hide it from the world and put those under the secret boards (where no one else can see it).
Furthermore, I think a lot of people my age have an obsession with marriage and hitting certain benchmarks at the moments where they feel like they have to. It’s this mindset that life is orderly — college degree, job, husband, babies.
It’s like these people don’t care about WHO they’re with just as long as they’re with someone.
I gave up my comfortable life and was supposed to marry someone because the situation wasn’t right and I would have been half happy with said man. I think a lotttt of other girls need to start focusing on the same thing. It’s OK to want marriage and babies, but you can’t force it.
February 1, 2013 at 11:09 pm |
Thanks. An interesting point of the NYT article was that with the proliferation of things like Pinterest, online message boards and other sites, it’s much easier to immerse yourself anonymously in totally useless wedding plans – in the old days, you had to buy a magazine and then hope your poor boyfriend didn’t see it lying around.
I have often born witness to the mindset that WHO you marry is secondary to being MARRIED. What a tragedy.
February 2, 2013 at 6:40 am |
As a child, I never dreamed about my wedding or even getting married for that matter. I’ve always wanted to be a mom though. Anyway, I do think weddings are important whether you want it big or small (though the smaller ones are more intimate and always tend to be the memorable ones). I think it should all be about what YOU and YOUR PARTNER want. Mine was small and intimate, we didn’t spend loads of money, but I loved it. Our only splurge was hiring a professional photographer to do the shots, because we wanted to have great photos to commemorate the day. & like I said, it was lovely.
Love your blog, btw. Came across it weeks ago and I’m hooked.
All the best,
D
February 2, 2013 at 8:43 am |
Thanks, D. I had a rather large wedding (as you can see), though I have to admit my husband and I didn’t know everyone there, b/c my Dad wanted to invite many of his colleagues. I have to admit, even though I typically have an extremely sharp memory, parts of the day are a blur, b/c it’s a bit physically/socially/emotionally overwhelming for the bride I think – marking such am important rite of passage while being on display for hundreds of people. In a corset. Ugh.
I’m glad you enjoy the blog. Please feel free to weigh in again!
February 2, 2013 at 9:17 am
Oh yes, forgot to add that I love your wedding photo! You both look so young, happy and in love =) I married late. So while I’m sure we both looked happy and in-love, I doubt if we looked young. Haha. All the best – D
February 2, 2013 at 9:19 am
Yes, we were young! We now look back on it at the advanced ages of 29 and 30…thanks!
February 2, 2013 at 2:43 pm |
My story is different. My mother planned my wedding in every detail. The groom and I were 3 weeks out of graduation and could barely scrape together rent money. Mom chose the guests — her distant cousins, not my friends — the menu, the ghastly music on her wheezy old electric organ — all despite my strong wishes. Took till my second wedding to do it my/our way.
February 2, 2013 at 3:13 pm |
Yikes. From the stories I hear it seems like no-one really plans their first wedding – their mothers have been lying in wait to do it for them, since THEIR mothers planned their weddings…
February 2, 2013 at 9:08 pm |
I agree wholeheartedly. Save the money, put it into the house, and just have a kick-ass party instead. It’s too much aggravation. Just watch a few episodes of Bridezillas to see how sick it is.
February 2, 2013 at 10:15 pm |
Usually I’d rather get the flu than watch more than ten minutes of any reality TV. So I’ll take your word for it.
February 4, 2013 at 7:03 am |
Goldfish centerpieces! Cool! But what happened with the fish after the wedding was over?
February 4, 2013 at 10:07 am |
Ha! I was opposed to the whole thing because I knew the fish were unlikely to make it through the day. And most of them perished. However, five survived. The day after the wedding (we didn’t do a honeymoon, couldn’t afford it) I went out and got an aquarium set-up, and my mom adopted them.
February 4, 2013 at 12:01 pm |
I got married 25 years ago in a civil ceremony. My whole wedding day cost me a grand total of $300 and change – and $125 of that was the wedding license. And we had a helluva time without the stress afterwards of wondering how the hell we were gonna pay for it all.
February 4, 2013 at 4:24 pm |
Awesome.
March 9, 2013 at 6:26 am |
My husband and I married via double proxy!! We are now living in Germany where he is currently stationed, with plans to throw small party with close relatives upon our return to the states. Not having a wedding almost makes the marriage feel like something is missing in a way. I’m at that age where I am seeing many of my friends get married and have these extravagant, beautiful weddings, and from watching that I’ve learned that is not what I want. A wedding (in my eyes) should be a very personal/spiritual celebration that should only be shared with the ones who are the absolute closest to you.
Love reading your blog, Laina. Hope you and Lala are doing well
March 9, 2013 at 9:48 am |
Thanks for adding your experience. It’s been nice to hear about a range of weddings in these comments. Congrats on yours!