As we face the promise of a brand new year, I prefer not to look forward with optimism, but to reflect bitterly upon what 2011 brought to me – or specifically, what others brought to me.
You may remember the giant centipede incident from this past summer. Alas, this Christmas was yet another example of family gift-giving gone very, very wrong.
Here is a box I received from my mother on Christmas morning.
A promising box.
What could be inside?
I carefully opened the blue tissue paper, and beheld these:
These are salt and pepper shakers shaped like feet.
Someone, somewhere, once considered these saltshakers a tasteful addition to the table.
There is more to this gift than meets the eye. In fact, a particular feature of these shakers is what compelled my mother to purchase them for me.
For many years, my feet have been the laughingstock of the family. Apparently, my big toes point skyward to an alarming degree. Now, even if my feet are as freakish as my parents would have me believe, I have always said that their amusement is unfair because who but they were responsible for the genes that shaped my feet? It must be owned that these salt-shakers are not the first foot figurines of this style that I have been given.
Readers, forgive me if what follows is too much for your delicate sensibilities. But I want to know, once and for all – are these gifts of pointy-toed foot figurines justified?
The salt and pepper shakers.
The author's feet.
In my mother’s defense, she also gifted me some really nice new linens, several excellent books, aquarium supplies, the new Jane Eyre film on DVD, chocolate-covered pretzels, and purple yoga pants.
Tags: bad gifts, Christmas, family, feet, gifts, humor, polls, saltshakers, teasing
January 1, 2012 at 11:57 pm |
Those shakers are great! Although I don’t think they resemble your feet at all. Great post!
January 2, 2012 at 12:42 am |
Thank you so much.
January 2, 2012 at 12:20 am |
See, also giving you inspiration for writing as a Christmas gift. I may take some hereditary blame for your toes, although I think it’s from Dad’s side, but you are the one who has now shared it with the world.
January 2, 2012 at 12:43 am |
Anything to cope with my apparent deformity.
January 2, 2012 at 11:43 am |
It’s only January 2 and already my year is ruined.
January 2, 2012 at 1:17 pm |
Sorry to hear it. If it’s my fault I hope you’ll forgive me.
January 2, 2012 at 12:14 pm |
Awww…. such horrible parents… LOL. Great post Laina…and as always, I take full credit for your impending literary stardom…in whatever form it takes… Toes up, or down. I will not though, take the blame for the turtle-toe syndrome. ( although, now that I think of it…. your great grandmother, from my side…definately sported the pokey-up toe thing too)
I would like to add…. in the picture of your well manicured and freshly painted toes…. It’s painfully obvious that you are in fact “straining” as you tense the big toe(s) to stay in full contact with the floor.
Slightly misleading? …..possibly add one quick shot of the relaxed “toe-up” position? LOVE YOU!
January 2, 2012 at 1:21 pm |
My photographer will attest that the positioning here is wholly natural.
January 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm |
Family are ruthless! I’m a germaphobe and if there is ANYTHING that my family can do to freak me out, they do it! Poor me. XD But poor you! Now you have to look at feet on the table!
January 2, 2012 at 3:08 pm |
I most certainly do not have to look at anything on my table that I don’t like. After this blog was published those saltshaker feet were back in the box.
January 2, 2012 at 3:28 pm |
…be sure to keep the collection though Laina… It’s going to be a valuable ebay item one day..
XO Dad
January 2, 2012 at 7:42 pm |
There are people with foot fetishes out there. They could probably make better use of these shakers.